A renewal that is embodied, as opposed to just intellectual.

Hey look it's a sad stock photo. :(

Despite how many of my thoughts are being renewed, thoughts that once had me living in shame are
still affecting my life and how I engage with others and with myself. 

My counselor suggested the idea that we operate on three minds: the body mind, the emotional mind, and the logical mind. As she went on to explain her thoughts and how they might relate to my life and the struggles that I face with social-emotional anxiety and panic, I came to see that it made some sense that each of us operate out of different minds (or memories), not just intellectual memory.

So now when I think of Romans 12:2 -- that is: "Do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what G-d's good perfect and pleasing will is" -- I think not only about what my brain is used to believing, but also about what my emotional self and my body is used to believing. I think about how my current emotional and physical being may or may not relate or be able to comprehend the reality of G-d's kingdom simply because she hasn't had a taste of it.

I think back to the panic attacks that I've had over the past few years of my life. I think about how, even with these panic attacks that I've had, I believed a lot of things intellectually, but experimentally -- heck no, I didn't! Intellectually, I believe that there is "freedom from shame", but emotionally, I don't most of the time. Emotionally, I'm an infant.

Dude, but how can that be? What does that look like to believe something intellectually but not dare I used the word holistically? Entirely? 

Believing in something intellectually but not emotionally-bodily (experiential) is like this: it's like hearing the truth, but never having evidence of it. It's like someone saying that you are worthy of love and relationship, but never having anyone show you that love in a way that you can experience. 

So while I can make you believe that I am mature intellectually, while I can impress you with all the knowledge that I have acquired through reading and reading and reading all these books by celebrated theologians and grace pastors... I'd be lying to myself if I told you that everything I believed intellectually, I believed enough to not run away from. Our actions can sometimes reveal more deeply what we believe or have been believing than what we profess intellectually. 

And so, I think for me, healing looks like seeking out places where I can grow and practice my muscle of trusting what G-d says is true of me: that I am worthy of relationship, that there is freedom from shame. Living with my housemates during Mission Year was one of places I got the chance to wrestle with my shame. I'm also thankful for the many others who have provided with empathy, compassion and truth-telling the space to challenge the lies that I believed emotionally, bodily - and yes -- intellectually. Having positive experiences outside the realm of the intellectual mind has confirmed and reinforced my brain belief, not taken away from it.

I think the church would be blessed by seeing itself as a safe place for people to seek healing from their wounds, and not just what wounded them intellectually. After all, Jesus doesn't command us to love each other for snakes and giggles, but rather, it's to give evidence of G-d and His Kingdom living already in each of us, and to testify to what will be coming. We do that by renewing and challenging our minds entirely -- intellectually, emotionally and bodily.

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What do you think? Share with me your thoughts!