I worry about my life. I worry about my life a lot more than I want to.
I think I worry about a lot of things, because there is a lot of things that I desire.
I desire to be in a place where I can do what I believe in while being fully myself.
I desire to not be alone and to have rich relationships filled with beauty, life, meaning and the goodness of G-d.
I long to be close to the people I love and for my love to be requited.
I desire real, messy, but loving community.
I long for the world, for Creation and for humanity to be whole.
But, I worry about my life.
I have a hard time not worrying sometimes. I see Christ's insistence that we shouldn't worry, and I think to myself maybe if I didn't long for these things, I wouldn't worry.
So I shut myself off and tell myself "no, I refuse to care about this person" or "no, I refuse to care about this dream."
Sometimes, I go to the other extreme and I tell myself that I should pursue things that aren't as beautiful to me; I'll make easy and cheap decisions that do not reveal my true self or the deepest joy I have. I will just survive and not think at all about thriving.
But then, I'm reminded that there is no fear in love (and love always trusts!).
I'm reminded that real beauty is wild and free and that the most beautiful of loves is the same.
I look at G-d's love and I see the beauty of his free choice, his choice to embody himself as a fellow human, our brother Jesus, and live with us to share in our suffering and bring glory to our human experience.
A free choice, beyond our control, not able to be tamed.
We couldn't make Him love us.
His love is free.
And there is no fear in love.
I think about control and how I have a tendency to want to control. I think about how I want to possess things, I want to control things when I"m afraid. When I'm afraid that someone isn't going to love me back, I try to control the situation. I might try to do that by pretending to be someone I think they would love, or I decide to hide the things I believe they would hate. When I'm afraid that I might not be able to have a good life doing what I love, I begin to settle for comfort, to something predictable, a life I think I can control.
But when we control things, I think we squander they're beauty. We destroy it's gift. We destroy it's authenticity and it's freeness. We fail to trust. We destroy the ability to be surprised and filled with wonder and gratitude.
There's so many costs to worrying, to trying to control our lives. It doesn't add an hour to our lives. It will shock us when we discovered we wasted so much energy saying "yes" to the illusion of being able to control our lives.
There are many costs to trusting, too. But I think that the joy of trusting G-d with our lives and our longings outweighs the pain that learning to trust may cause. In trusting, we may risk getting hurt, but in trusting, we have the opportunity to experience the beauty of freedom in our own lives and in the lives of others. Freedom can't be found where control is happening.
I want to stop worrying about my life. I don't think I can stop worrying about my life if I continue to look at everything that could go wrong. I don't think it would help to examine everything that is "wrong" with me. I cannot stop worrying if I continue to look into the face of fear. There are many things that could go the way that we wouldn't want it to. But Jesus promises that we will be fed regardless. He promises that we will be taken care of regardless of how much we worry. So why worry?
I wonder what our lives would look like if we worried less? Maybe we would find ourselves present with those in front of us and people would be present with us. Maybe we would. Maybe things will not be just as we imagined or expected, maybe they will turn out better.
In this season of my life, I am sad because I am away from the city and people that remind me of the joy I have. I want so badly to return to Philadelphia, and I am prone to worry and anxiety to whether I will be able to experience that warmth and goodness again. I want to trust that G-d is going to take care of me, and is already doing so. I want to trust even more that when I am sad, that he cares and that the deepest longings I have are not dismissed by him, but are embraced.
Peace be with you,
Rachel
Matthew 6:25-34
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