I don't want people to know that I like my faith tradition.

A scene from the movie Blue Like Jazz.

I don't want to tell people I care about what I believe. I don't want to tell people that my deepest yearning is for a G-d that holds all of this, and that I do care a lot about the figure, Christ. I don't want to tell people that I associate with the more conservative Christians just as much as I associate with the Christian evolutionists and universalists.

I find so much awesome in my cheesy brothers and sisters as much as I love my more snobby ones. Because they're not just that: they're not just cheesy or snobby Christians: they're whole people with whole worlds in them. Our love for Christ is something we share in common, and I think it's good to be with those who share things in common just as much as it's good to be with those who don't.

When I talk about Christ, I don't mean proselytizing people. i don't want to "try" to convert people. That isn't want I'm talking about. I'm talking about this part of me that would rather be seen as simply a non-Christian humanist by friends who don't associate with the faith than for them to see this other part of me: I'm mesmerized by the wonder of Christ, this mystery that says that a man was incarnated into a limited human form to convey how magnificent the Creator of the Universe is.

I want to share about my life. My life as someone who is in wonder of One who shares the universe with everyone and everything. But, I'm afraid because in the media, on Facebook, television, movies, EVERYWHERE, I'm seeing the subtle message that says "Christians are ignorant, they're jerks, they are why everything sucks." Basically, I'm afraid of being considered stupid.

Yeah, I know, right? I don't want to be called stupid by people I'm getting to know. I'm afraid of not having a chance to be more, to be equal in someone's eyes. I'm afraid that because I choose to belong to this tradition, that someone's first impression of me is of being less.

I'm afraid that I'll have to justify myself in order to protect myself from being seen as stupid by someone who I respect, just because I choose to associate myself with Christ or Christians -- and not just "respected Christians" but also the ones that say hurtful things. I do not believe that Christians are stupid. Just because history and a lot of Pharisaic people in power in this age and of days before ruined it for the unknown parts of our heritage doesn't mean that Christians as a whole are generally horrendous or ignorant people. People who conform to this heritage, we are people, too. And, I want to love and speak well of those who share my spiritual heritage because we need respect and room for our failures, too. I refuse to join in the banter that condemns us as generally "sucking". I understand that there is a purpose for the media to call out hurtful things that Christians do. I respect that. And I agree with the points. But, I can't help but fear that someone I want to know will assume before they get to know me that I'm going to hurt them, if one day I casually make it known that "oh by the way, I think Jesus is awesome and I love going to church."

I LOVE my faith tradition. There is so much about it that's good to me. I find so much of my creative expression and inspiration is in its rich, imperfect, complex and diverse history. But, unfortunately, I can't be honest about how much I value it, because I'm so afraid of not being fully accepted by my friends who no longer consider themselves so or have never associated themselves with the church. I'm tired of feeling like I must be ashamed of these parts of myself, as if I should be responsible for the actions and words of those who are called out in the media for acting silly. 

It irks me when people say things like "you associate yourself with Christians because you want to fit in". Well this is true and at the same time it isn't. Because, yes, I do want to belong and to be accepted. But, I've been largely rejected by the church as well. And, I've been hiding parts of myself to my "secular" friends. So either way, I'm not completely winning. I'm not trying to fit in with just one group of people. Honestly, I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me.

And it sucks. It's exhausting.

I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to be so freakin' awkward, trying to find the best way to describe how I met someone without using the word "church" in the story. I don't want to be so freakin' stiff, stopping myself every second just thinking about the best way to describe Mission Year without sharing that it's inspired by and associated with the tradition I value.

Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed because Christian privilege is a real thing in the Bible Belt, and I know that Christians aren't persecuted in the U.S. What I'm afraid of is being dismissed, because of the media's portrayal of the church as a laughing stock.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be myself, with my tradition and all. So, I'm speaking up. I'm a person, too. I'm a growing work in progress like everyone else. I'm not stupid or ignorant just because I choose to associate with a spiritual heritage that's made a lot of mistakes, and I'm not stupid because I find wonder in Christ. Being fond of my faith tradition for me, doesn't take away the value I find in others.

Oh, and let's get real here: its so painful what happens when a person breaks a heart like mine. It makes me want to be more like the ones I like, because I'm used to believing that being more like them would cause them to love me. It is what I was used to believing. It is what I believed growing up.

But love isn't earned, it just is. It's a gift from one friend to another. And, I made a friend who kept pestering me to be myself. When I was around him, I felt so much the insecurity of wanting to be less of myself -- less emotion-driven, less sensitive, more mathematical, logical, intellectual. And yet he insisted that I be myself.

So I want and will be myself, with my faith tradition and all.