But to be honest, i haven't been doing a very good job at expressing myself as well as i wish i had. There's just something about being in this house, being in routine that just stunts that and i am very inclined to just take public transit out of here and meet all the interesting folks i have in the past few weeks and learn from them and the world around me. i recently turned eighteen, and many of my friends have told me that my life has simply begun. Perhaps in leaving this environment, my mindset will change a little bit. i hope to be more productive and to come alive, fully, in all the creative mediums i enjoy: photo/collage, music, writing.... and just for my soul to come alive in general. i want nothing to be in-genuine. i want all things to be filled with love.
i want to take the moment to explain the URL for my blog, since this is my first entry. "Rachel Virginia needs to die" is a strange name for a url, but, it explains my life mission in short, my desire to die to myself and be one with G-d, putting aside my selfish ego, and being able to find who i truly am. It's pretty morbid, which is unlike me, but maybe this url will change as i realize something more uplifting and less harsh. i hope to be able to combat the feeling of defeat and hopelessness that has haunted me the past few months. i miss my joy. There's a huge cloak of insecurity draped on my shoulders and it's hard to take off. i couldn't have wished more for a feeling of liberation during my weekend at Wild Goose Festival, seeing others possessed by it and knowing that my time is coming soon.
And in discovering who i really am, i hope to be able to find my voice as an artist, or whoever G-d needs me to be. i do think i am meant to be an artist, i have a need to create things, and i would like to see more and more people using their gifts for something bigger than themselves, seeing especially that we are made in the image of a Creator, so why not reflect that back at Him?
i think creating things is the best way for me to share what i have. That joy. i have a flood of it, we all do, G-d put it there, why am i keep it all dammed up? i remember spending hours creating letters and assembling packages for my long distance friends. That gave me joy, that gave me purpose. Giving that is. And the collages i made, i give away because it's amazing to see someone's face light up at something i made, my hard work, enjoyed, and even more their gratitude at receiving my creation. Maybe happiness is truly real when it is shared like it's been said. And happiness makes me forget all my worries. All this darkness.
So maybe something will happen soon that'll make it easier to shake off this darkness.
Keep me heart in your prayers, dear brothers and sisters.
I am with you,
Rachel Virginia
