I want the hope I have to catch people’s attention, not just my blue hair.

Sometimes I wonder if people care about inner beauty and inner lives.

I wrestle so much with my outer sense of worth because I wrestle a lot with my interior sense of worth. I struggle so much with the idea of how important the inner lives of people are to the world and whether or not people really see it and value it as much as they say they do.

This isn't a demand for folks to give me compliments and affirm my worth but it's me trying to speak out against the part of me that wants to be cute, dispassionate, "dumbed-down" and likeable all the time. I want to speak up, not only for me, but for those who struggle with wanting to be dreamy all the time, too.

I think outer beauty is important. I think it's important to affirm, because we're all created to reflect G-d's beauty, on the inside and the outside. I think we reflect Beauty itself when we are comfortable and delight in the shade of skin we live in, or we have fun with make up or none and paint on our toes and we dress up for special occasions like theatre performances and weddings or because we made pants that are the perfect shape and color for our body type. There's beautiful, eye-catching, soul-stirring stuff in our exterior lives. There really is.

But, sometimes, I find people hiding behind their exterior beauty. Constantly. As if it were a lifestyle. And that causes concern for me. I've been in situations where it's hard to meet people and make friends and be known because I find that there are men and women who focus so much of their life, so much of their money and their time on how attractive they can make themselves and make their lives seem. And so people will catch my attention on the outside, but I never get to know them and see the beauty and depth they boast on the inside. 

I'm not particularly immune to this behavior though. I often buy into the idea that being a smart women who cares about the things I care about won't get me the things I want in life, to be loved, to be accepted, to be someone. I see all around me that following the same trends seems to get more attention and more people to "like" me and that addressing things that matter brings into the room a lot more silence than what sells, what is trendy, what is cool. 

So, I struggle with wondering if my passion for life matters. If that's an important thing. I struggle with wondering if my hatred for warfare and violence is beautiful. I know it is beautiful. Most of the time. At least more than I did months and years before. I'm trying to learn to have conversations with people I meet about the things that make our hearts hurt instead of making conversations stay shallow for months and months. But, I have a hard time seeing that our grief, hope and and joy matters to the world. There are so many people who fight for real truth and real justice, who fight for Jesus' reign and Kingdom on earth, who clothe themselves in kindness and patience and beauty and love... But they go unnoticed because they're instagram feed might not be "cool" enough or nonexistent, they might not meet our nations impossible or oppressive standard of beauty, or they might not act enough like Zooey Deschenal's characters, Jess and Summer.

I, too, trick myself into thinking that letting people only into the exterior side of me gives me life and worth. And I find the temptation to "dumb myself down" or "be less sensitive" a constant in social contexts, especially around people my age. But, I don't want my outside self to be the only self I present to others. I want to bond with others and have fun and go to concerts and pet goats, but I don't want people to think that they are in love with me or inspired by me because of things that sell or things they see on the exterior that look pretty or because I have blue hair. I want people to find beauty in the real me, in all my passionate rants about how racism sucks and my struggle to grow in love with myself, just as I hope to find courage and strength and purpose in the real, full life of someone else. I find the most support for the real me to be with my older friends, the ones who are 33 and 54, who are growing to love the skin they were meant to be and live and love and serve in, the folks who think it's bold that I have blue hair, but know that I'm so much more than my decision to have a little color added in.

They like me because I'm so much more. I am beautiful and inspiring to them, inside and out. And I know this because these women tell me day in and day out what is beautiful about my soul and my desires and not just what is beautiful about my body or my tastes. They affirm both my exterior and internal lives. They don't elevate one above the other.

So, this is me, trying to be a little bolder and speaking up, hoping to believe more and more each day that there is real beauty in the Hope that I have, and that it matters, and it matters so much, too, when I see it illuminating in the heart of others.

I don't want people to know that I like my faith tradition.

A scene from the movie Blue Like Jazz.

I don't want to tell people I care about what I believe. I don't want to tell people that my deepest yearning is for a G-d that holds all of this, and that I do care a lot about the figure, Christ. I don't want to tell people that I associate with the more conservative Christians just as much as I associate with the Christian evolutionists and universalists.

I find so much awesome in my cheesy brothers and sisters as much as I love my more snobby ones. Because they're not just that: they're not just cheesy or snobby Christians: they're whole people with whole worlds in them. Our love for Christ is something we share in common, and I think it's good to be with those who share things in common just as much as it's good to be with those who don't.

When I talk about Christ, I don't mean proselytizing people. i don't want to "try" to convert people. That isn't want I'm talking about. I'm talking about this part of me that would rather be seen as simply a non-Christian humanist by friends who don't associate with the faith than for them to see this other part of me: I'm mesmerized by the wonder of Christ, this mystery that says that a man was incarnated into a limited human form to convey how magnificent the Creator of the Universe is.

I want to share about my life. My life as someone who is in wonder of One who shares the universe with everyone and everything. But, I'm afraid because in the media, on Facebook, television, movies, EVERYWHERE, I'm seeing the subtle message that says "Christians are ignorant, they're jerks, they are why everything sucks." Basically, I'm afraid of being considered stupid.

Yeah, I know, right? I don't want to be called stupid by people I'm getting to know. I'm afraid of not having a chance to be more, to be equal in someone's eyes. I'm afraid that because I choose to belong to this tradition, that someone's first impression of me is of being less.

I'm afraid that I'll have to justify myself in order to protect myself from being seen as stupid by someone who I respect, just because I choose to associate myself with Christ or Christians -- and not just "respected Christians" but also the ones that say hurtful things. I do not believe that Christians are stupid. Just because history and a lot of Pharisaic people in power in this age and of days before ruined it for the unknown parts of our heritage doesn't mean that Christians as a whole are generally horrendous or ignorant people. People who conform to this heritage, we are people, too. And, I want to love and speak well of those who share my spiritual heritage because we need respect and room for our failures, too. I refuse to join in the banter that condemns us as generally "sucking". I understand that there is a purpose for the media to call out hurtful things that Christians do. I respect that. And I agree with the points. But, I can't help but fear that someone I want to know will assume before they get to know me that I'm going to hurt them, if one day I casually make it known that "oh by the way, I think Jesus is awesome and I love going to church."

I LOVE my faith tradition. There is so much about it that's good to me. I find so much of my creative expression and inspiration is in its rich, imperfect, complex and diverse history. But, unfortunately, I can't be honest about how much I value it, because I'm so afraid of not being fully accepted by my friends who no longer consider themselves so or have never associated themselves with the church. I'm tired of feeling like I must be ashamed of these parts of myself, as if I should be responsible for the actions and words of those who are called out in the media for acting silly. 

It irks me when people say things like "you associate yourself with Christians because you want to fit in". Well this is true and at the same time it isn't. Because, yes, I do want to belong and to be accepted. But, I've been largely rejected by the church as well. And, I've been hiding parts of myself to my "secular" friends. So either way, I'm not completely winning. I'm not trying to fit in with just one group of people. Honestly, I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me.

And it sucks. It's exhausting.

I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to be so freakin' awkward, trying to find the best way to describe how I met someone without using the word "church" in the story. I don't want to be so freakin' stiff, stopping myself every second just thinking about the best way to describe Mission Year without sharing that it's inspired by and associated with the tradition I value.

Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed because Christian privilege is a real thing in the Bible Belt, and I know that Christians aren't persecuted in the U.S. What I'm afraid of is being dismissed, because of the media's portrayal of the church as a laughing stock.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be myself, with my tradition and all. So, I'm speaking up. I'm a person, too. I'm a growing work in progress like everyone else. I'm not stupid or ignorant just because I choose to associate with a spiritual heritage that's made a lot of mistakes, and I'm not stupid because I find wonder in Christ. Being fond of my faith tradition for me, doesn't take away the value I find in others.

Oh, and let's get real here: its so painful what happens when a person breaks a heart like mine. It makes me want to be more like the ones I like, because I'm used to believing that being more like them would cause them to love me. It is what I was used to believing. It is what I believed growing up.

But love isn't earned, it just is. It's a gift from one friend to another. And, I made a friend who kept pestering me to be myself. When I was around him, I felt so much the insecurity of wanting to be less of myself -- less emotion-driven, less sensitive, more mathematical, logical, intellectual. And yet he insisted that I be myself.

So I want and will be myself, with my faith tradition and all.