I think I am struggling to remember that I am younger than I think I am, and that there has always been more time to grow.
I have always been hard on myself, or at least more critical, and it has been hard to measure whether this is because I expect myself to be like others, or at least, to be in the same place that they are, whether it be socially, relational-ly, financially, and the list goes on...
Other times, I think it's okay where I hold myself to, because our society has put upon expectations on us early 20 somethings as if we are still 16... maybe because we see ourselves that way... or maybe because we feel allowed to, or expected to. I don't really know.
Maybe it is both perspectives. Again, I don't know. All I know is that my brain is hacked with this expectation to be more "grown up" than I am, but I also often feel like I'm too dorky, maybe even obnoxious and immature, to be a "grown up" or to "fit in" with the folks I look up to. It's an awkward tension that I've felt for quite a while now. I just wish that I knew more people my age to journey with, whom I could see more regularly. This is one reason why I wish I didn't take a year off school to volunteer, and that I was a college junior -- in order to conform to the traditional American "timeline" that many of the peers I miss find themselves in. It just feels so odd, not knowing how to perceive me, how much grace to give myself, to what standard I should be held to.
Should I be holding myself to the standards that I hold myself to?
Maybe. If there is oppression in those standards, probably not. And if there is joy and life in those standard, then, probably yes.
So then, within the every day struggle of both growing and accepting where one is at, perhaps the goal is to realize which spirit I am being influenced by: is it the spirit of oppression and lies and fear; or is it the spirit of love, freedom and joy?
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I think I really want a "me, too" friend my age in Durham to journey through this awkward stage of life with.
