Fairy

I wish to belong one again
to that place of security and wonder
where all that mattered
was whether a mole had dug itself back home or not
and one concerned herself with the well-being of
what-some-call-weeds,
the unlikely flowers of whom would be at risk
of getting trampled at the park.

Legs part as they rise from a trampoline.
And the milky sweetness of plain ice-cream
pales the color of little lips.

I could have thought that every child I met
with her large eyes and delicate whisper
was a fairy,
Who knew how to play in the woods
Who knew how to make large of the world of everyday.

Awkward stage of life.

I think I am struggling to remember that I am younger than I think I am, and that there has always been more time to grow.

I have always been hard on myself, or at least more critical, and it has been hard to measure whether this is because I expect myself to be like others, or at least, to be in the same place that they are, whether it be socially, relational-ly, financially, and the list goes on...

Other times, I think it's okay where I hold myself to, because our society has put upon expectations on us early 20 somethings as if we are still 16... maybe because we see ourselves that way... or maybe because we feel allowed to, or expected to. I don't really know.

Maybe it is both perspectives. Again, I don't know. All I know is that my brain is hacked with this expectation to be more "grown up" than I am, but I also often feel like I'm too dorky, maybe even obnoxious and immature, to be a "grown up" or to "fit in" with the folks I look up to. It's an awkward tension that I've felt for quite a while now. I just wish that I knew more people my age to journey with, whom I could see more regularly. This is one reason why I wish I didn't take a year off school to volunteer, and that I was a college junior -- in order to conform to the traditional American "timeline" that many of the peers I miss find themselves in. It just feels so odd, not knowing how to perceive me, how much grace to give myself, to what standard I should be held to.

Should I be holding myself to the standards that I hold myself to?

Maybe. If there is oppression in those standards, probably not. And if there is joy and life in those standard, then, probably yes.

So then, within the every day struggle of both growing and accepting where one is at, perhaps the goal is to realize which spirit I am being influenced by: is it the spirit of oppression and lies and fear; or is it the spirit of love, freedom and joy?

//

I think I really want a "me, too" friend my age in Durham to journey through this awkward stage of life with.

In which I share my current pet peeve of social media reacting (and I invite you to join me in learning about one another).

I have noticed the past few months a lot of "news" articles being shared all over on social media on subjects of high controversy -- subjects that may ruffle a person who notices an attack on their ideology, or an attack on a social group that they may associate their identity with.

You know which trend of articles I'm talking about -- the ones published after Miley twerked on stage, while Robin Thicke got away with his "Blurred Lines". Oh! And The Duck Dynasty madness. On and on it goes. You know, the articles which make those who consider themselves "feminists" or "conservatives" or "anti-racists" angry and upset. Upset enough to flood their Facebook dash with arguments against the party that doesn't affirm their view. Upset enough to write ANOTHER article describing the evils of the person for allowing the racism, sexism, classicism, elitism to happen in this or that situation.

Most of these news subjects being situations which the news is most likely not going to follow up on a year from now.

But ignoring that fact, the arguments explode all over the social media. Of course, until everyone forgets or moves on to the next thing to get angry about.

I've gotten to the point where I've become very weary from all the dismissive articles and simplistic passive-aggressive memes I find on social media serving as some form of resistance. I've even begun to feel hostile feelings towards these expressions as I have progressively grown more and more frustrated. I decided to take a moment to reflect on the previous instances which I have gotten annoyed and frustrated from the sudden uprisings and disappearances of angry vocal people on social media to figure out why I felt this way.

Even though I would consider myself as someone who cares about social equality (and there are sides that I certainly lean a little stronger towards), I see the posts and the reactions and I find myself frustrated because I see so much energy but very little positive change around me. I wonder to myself where is all this anger going? In fact, where DOES it all go?

Does the anger just stay online on the forums, in the comment boxes, on our Wordpress dashboard and Twitter feeds? Does it just stay in our heads as an ideology? Does the anger not transform itself? Does it just stay as that: anger?

Frankly, I'm tired of this trend of immediate, angry reacting. This is a reaction to every little thing, every little post and news article with anger that I have no clue where it will lead us.

To be clear, I think it is alright to get angry. In fact, it's awesome that we get angry at all. If we are angry, that means that we are not apathetic about a situation! I think there is a place to get passionate and to have a desire for justice. But I also strongly believe that anger ought to leads us to do good, to seek solutions, to seek reconciliation, collaboration and dialouge with others. The purpose of getting angry doesn't have to be creation of more bitterness in our hearts. It doesn't have to bring us to attacking others or to further dehumanizing the person whose ideology we see as "the other".

I think such anger only brings a deeper divide, one that can get deeper and deeper and lead only to hopeless, paralysis and cynicism.

I think we can make a difference in the lives of those around us as well as larger society. We have the potential to help bring about justice. But, I don't believe that justice comes about by settling for ongoing figure pointing and long rants.

I want to see people who are curious about another point of view.

Not just an abstract point of view. But, yes: the point of view of the person who is opposing your own point of view.

I want to see people have the courage to LISTEN to the "other", because I believe that when we hold too tight to what we're angry about and we argue without listening, we miss out on opportunities to see how human "the other" is. We miss opportunities to reconcile and to let go what we can't or whom we can't reconcile to us. I believe that people have reasons why they think and feel and do the things we do, and I think they are worth learning about and sharing with others. People are so much more than their "isms". I have found that people, including myself, we have stories, and REAL reasons why they believe or embody their "ism", whether these are harmful or fruitful "isms".

I think we have to find enough self-control to sit still enough and imagine the voice of another side. There's a story behind the ideology of a person. There's a story behind the celebrity who annoys us or the people group that may disgust us. And I think that it takes MORE courage to surrender to that reality than to just stay angry all the time.

I'm as guilty as the next person when it comes to this reaction trend of getting angry at and dismissing the one I disagree with. But I realize reacting isn't something I want to do anymore. It only makes me super pissy, with a lot of anger I don't know what to do with at times. In other words, it just leads to a bad night.

I want to see life get better. Don't you?

Tonight, instead of making a passive aggressive status-complaint on Twitter, I used my frustration to share my hopes and concerns with you, an invitation to become slower in reacting in anger and quicker to listen to other's stories. This requires vulnerability and courage from all parties, but if you are willing to take the road of justice, perhaps it is wise to put off the immediate reaction.

Let's listen more.


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What are your thoughts on anger and reacting? Do you ever get weary of passive-aggressive memes? Do you think the people and ideas that make your angry are worth investigating or learning more about?

the Hope List and favorite decisions of 2013

I miss having an outlet. I find that blogging is very different for me than journaling. When I blog, I feel like I don't have to have a chronological progress. I don't have to enter everyday where I left. I can start where I need to begin. It's a place where I have space to share my backstory and I can explain myself without having to explain myself. I know that I don't have to commit to a particular expression with my journaling, but after years of journaling, trying to do it a different way can sometimes feel wrong and disorganized to me. I decide to start and stop in various journals for various different things, when all I want is to communicate with myself and to others. I don't know what I'm doing. But I don't necessarily feel that much pressure on myself when I blog.

I wanted to write a list of things I want to do in the next couple of years. Things that are important to me so it wouldn't just float around my head and reappear or feel scattered like my journals do when they're strewn across the floor or hiding in various places in my room. My hope is to continue to look back upon this list and to add to the list.

Blogs are easier to edit than journals and penstrokes are. I like that. (I also look at my blog a lot more compulsively than my journal. it works out. really).

I don't do resolutions, so instead, this is my "Hope List".

-- get my analog camera fixed so i can shoot film again
-- land a steady farm opportunity
-- work towards being a homestead
-- find my niche with the dress project and finish it
-- continue to invest in North Carolina friends
-- get back to creative writing
-- finish Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry
-- continue to read fiction
-- finish my first semester of community college
-- work on and improve how i present my art
-- buy a used iPod or CD player, Lord, I miss music on long commutes!
-- get a vehicle that runs on veggie oil
-- learn and get accustomed to biking like a pro in the streets
-- acquire a pocket knife
-- acquire extra warm socks
-- make iota chi patches to give to friends
-- continue to use my savings account for goal setting
-- continue my gratitude journal
-- sell what i have and unclutter my life
-- move into a home that feels right
-- establish a "rule of life"
-- have lots of adventures!
-- to live in grace for myself and confidence of G-d's love, even in seasons of silence and depression
-- play instruments again
-- read a few of the books on my amazon wishlist


My favorite investments and decisions of 2013 
-- buying my second-hand high quality rainboots for adventuring. I used them all the time. They help me in my morning walks to the bus stop and my hiking at the state park and they are sturdier than all my other shoes and one of my favorite colors. :)
-- allowing myself to get away and visit friends
-- making finding a church home a priority