Gross stuff is good.

i’ve kind of finally realized that all the “nasty” stuff i’ve had to do because my family is very petrified of gross things, is really good for me! It just sank in! So, living here for eighteen years is awesome. My father and my twin sister are the most anal about germs so i gotta do most of the dirty work. i am also the official trash can of my household. That means that i am the one who goes through the fridge and finds out what’s good and what’s bad. i have to taste test those things, touch it sometimes when i clean the container, smell it, and so on… And i eat whatever is left. Cleaning my stepdad’s bathroom is kind of gross, and when my grandfather was here, he’d pee all over my sister and i’s bathroom floor without knowing, and i’d have to clean it up. So now, i am the one who runs around barefoot and cleans the toilets and picks people’s scabs off and most of the time, i don’t worry about getting sick. It’s still gross, but i can ENDURE it, and i have endured it, you know? i just accept it. And so there’s a difference, in being grossed out and turning away, and being grossed out and embracing it.

i made a hashtag on twitter: #loveisgross. Because it really is. Being with people is messy and gross and all of it is so personal. And i’m laughing over it, because it’s funny. We’re all really gross. We defecate, and we put weird substances in our bodies, we throw up, we get sick, we have body fluids and pimples, we get dirty. And our internal stuff can get messy, too. Our minds can get pretty sick sometimes. And so, just going through all the gross stuff is making me stronger, and that realization makes me excited about loving folks.

If you even wore shoes... i'd like to be in them.

i just want to be a real friend to Jesus again. Why am i not treating you like a friend? You feel so far away. And when i don't know where you are, i don't know where i am either or who i am either.

i hate everything i've made you into, and i hate how i've used you. i hate how i don't feel like i know you anymore. Who needs amazing theology? Who needs to know everything? It's nice, but it's been so consuming and so distracting.... What have i been making myself? Thinking about you day and night and not even knowing who you are, losing track, losing my memory, my mind, everything... i just want to be your friend. The bestest friend i know i could possibly ever be, because that is who i want to be. And we become who were are around with. And i haven't hung out with you so much. i need to get out of here. i need to be in your shoes and live your life. We need to hold hands and get out there, like a pair of crazy lovers that the world has no control of.... Because i'm going crazier here in suburbia, in my comfort, in my loneliness. Jesus, there is so much crap here that i don't want to conform to.

i miss you so much. You see past my weakness and see someone decent, someone who could be beautiful like you.