Thursday, March 7, 2013

to flow and not deceive oneself is to remember what you care for: a rant.


What does it mean to have what I have?

What does it mean to have mobility?

For me to have things like instruments and cameras and even a little more influence and networks than I realize?

What do those things mean, while there are others who have not had the opportunity to travel, who may have hard access to instruments and cameras and equipment like I was (and sometimes still do have)? 

I remember when I was younger; I was about fourteen when I got my own instrument. I was so thankful for my guitar. It brought me rest. The melodies would let me express my heart until I fell asleep. I was thankful, and it was during stage in my life where I knew that I wanted to share with others what brought me hope, so I began to realize that there might be others like me who, because of circumstances in their life, whether financial or from a lack of meaningful relationship, etc, have a hard time being able to get an instrument and partake in the gift of making/ learning music.

Now that I think about it, it makes me happy to know that one of my housemates for instance, is sharing something he loves deeply, the gift of music, with people in our neighborhood. And that’s wonderful, and such a beautiful and natural way to start relationships: by sharing something you love.

And, so, I love the outdoors. And, I have some type of mobility. I'm not a resident of Philadelphia. I'm from Durham, sweet Carolina -- where the trees are. I wrote my first song about trees (so any adoration I express about trees is not feigned or an exaggeration). If I wanted to, I could pack up my stuff and leave this city because of the fact that I’m tired of it’s lack of natural spaces. I love the outdoors, and that’s why I’m soooo interested in the urban homesteading movement and efforts to make empty lots into outdoor spaces where people can lay under trees in the summer and climb them and rabbits can pop out at the sight of the morning sun and strike us with wonder. That's why I'm growing things in my house on Reedland Street.

I’m thankful for Teen Haven, that they take the youth to retreats away from the city to spend time at natural parks. Because a lot of retreats that I’ve been part of here in Philly are in the city. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but, I just think that there is a stillness and a way that natural environments can speak to us about G-d and love and life that buildings and concrete cannot.

I think I want to fill the wall of my top bunk with things that inspire me. Prints by photographers that I admire and whose journey’s fill my heart and encourage my own. I’m thinking about why I loved photography in the first place. Photography was a portal to somewhere I could go and somewhere I hoped to be, and somewhere I liked being. I fell in love with photo in a time where I felt stuck. I wanted to be a street and travel photographer, because I love the adventure  and story of the city. I love the graffiti, the stickers plastered on the backs of signs and bus seats, the droop of the Puerto Rican flags in Kensington. Somewhere, in the stress and hurry and pressure of school and photo classes, I lost that vision. At school, I was worrying about whether I would get paid or have a website or get any credibility or a proper portfolio. I was fretting, and photo didn’t make sense anymore. It lost it’s meaning to me. And it sucked, so I dropped out.

I miss taking pictures. I miss spending most of my allowance on getting my film back from the drug store. I miss scanning the dreamiest ones.

So, I’m thinking about detoxing. I’m doing a lot of un-following and deleting on all my social media sites that I feel aren’t true to what I REALLY want or what is real to me or those things that don't challenge me. Yeah, I think a lot of the stuff floating around is pretty, but, I don’t really want the world I’m in to be about just Instagrammed girls with nice high buns holding baby breaths… although I do think it’s pretty. But those are the things that lead me astray.

I want to detox because I want to remember what brings me rest and what causes me to dream in confidence, hope without fretting. I want to take kids who aren’t mobile to the fields of the country and to the forests of towering trees.  I want to see hands and arms of all shades stretch into a sky spilling with bright gracious stars. I heard rumor that generations of children younger than me are not able to see stars because the lights in the city are too bright.  And here, I really can’t see them either. I only see one in the brown-orange sky.

The stars were something that I took for granted in Durham. How I miss the stars!

I’m going to take pictures for myself – not so it can drown in the endless whirlpool of what’s popular on tumblr or current blogs in my networking and friends circle. I don't want to sell my dreams and my journey away. The most meaningful photos to me that others have taken are the ones that often do not get noticed or seen – they are the ones that are connected to me in some way, that are tied to me through relationship and journey. I want the photos that I take and whatever I make to mean that to me, too.

I want them to be a whisper-shout of the word "ADVENTURE!"

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