I don't even know what happened.

I don't even know what happened. Sometimes having a tendency to be kind or honest can be hard to accept, because it can feel REALLY awkward especially the way other people react. I am often called naive or seen as naive. I don’t know if I am. I just really don’t know. I was even called “dumb” a million times today. It can be hard. It makes me feel sometimes like there is something wrong with me.

While I was still in Savannah, I was downtown with a friend from fellowship who had graciously allowed me to stay at her house for several days during my time of need. We went downtown because she wanted to see some friends who were going to go to a store opening. I didn’t have anything better to do really, so, I agreed and decided to go with her. As we walked downtown, I noticed that a lot of people were drinking, and there was one man, who was probably just a few years older than me wearing a cap backwards, lying on the ground with his pants low. I was really worried and wondering why he was lying in the middle of the ground, and I was about to approach him, but another couple had already approached him, so I let the three of them be and we continued on to the store opening.

When we decided to leave the store opening (it was really loud and not very interesting and people were just trying to act cool), so, we decided to head out, and we passed the guy again and he was unattended this time. Curiousity go the best of me, and I just decided to approach him this time and wake him up.

I didn’t realize that he was drunk at all. I thought it was just the heat or something. I was trying to get his attention and wake him up and ask him if he was okay. And he was like “WOAH.” I asked him if he was okay again, wondering if he had lost his friends, because I didn’t know what else to do, and he was like “woah woah woah” over and over again, his eyes creased and unfocused. Then, as he decided to stand up, I found a bottle of water that I wanted to offer him, I asked him if it was his, but he wasn’t paying attention and he just stumbled away. I kept calling after him, because I was so confused and wanted to give him some water, but my friend was calling me, too, to come over; that it was okay.

I told her about the water, and how I was concerned and just wanted to see if he was okay. I fumbled on because I was embarrassed that she and her friends were watching me and that awkward scene play out the whole time. That was when she confirmed to me that he was indeed drunk, and that she was calling me because she was concerned for my safety.

I later confessed to her that I had never been around a drunk person before or seen a person lying on the ground because they were so drunk, so I had never thought that I should be concerned for my safety. In fact, the only time I have seen someone lying in the street before was a poor blind man in South Korea. I was a lot younger, and I was told to ignore him. So I didn’t want to ignore a man on the street this time. She told me that she called me because people tend to be unpredictable when they are drunk. And, I guess she is right. I just didn’t really think of it because I was thinking of other things.

It’s an awkward life experience. I think, that even sharing this story might be awkward in itself. I am 19 and I have just never seen a person wasted like that before, and for my age, it is to be expected. I am not ignorant but at the same time I AM oblivious to the idea that people who are under 21 drink despite the law. Several of my friends are older than me, and so they drink, and I’ve been around friends and family while they drink, but, I have just never seen a person passed out on the ground like that before. And so, I assumed that the only thing you can do is offer them help. My only experience before is that I’ve HEARD people talking up a storm while they were drunk or crying and babbling about how drunk they are. But, I’ve never encountered a drunk person who was that vulnerable before.

I think it is awkward for me, because, I just don’t really think of alcohol at all. When people intend to drink, they never invite me, and that is probably why I forget that people get wasted all the time. I don’t have a taste for alcohol either, which is probably why I forget it exists. The only place where I felt like a belonged despite being a non-drinker was Wild Goose festival. There was a beer and hymns tent where people sang and drank beer together, both drinkers and non-drinkers. I was offered wine at the campfire by someone who was underage, and I sipped some, and she made me feel comfortable in my own skin despite the fact that I didn’t really like it or want it. She didn’t rant endlessly about all the drinks she has. She was present, and she saw the both of us, here in that moment. She didn’t make me feel like an outsider for being a non-drinker. She didn’t make me feel like I was missing out on something. That’s how I felt when I was at the tent with the beer and hymns, too. We were present.

Despite how awkward what ever I did there was, whether it was being curious/caring/kind whatever… I think being kind and caring enough to stop is a higher calling, even if people call you naive or treat you like you are dumb. I don’t think that people understand that when I’m am doing things out of kindness, that I am not doing it because I’m “childish” or “naive” or dumb or ignorant, even if it looks that way and even if it is. I am aware that people hurt people. I am aware that the world can be a tough place to be. But that wasn’t even the first thing that came to mind for me when I saw this guy. In fact, the first thing I thought about when I approached this person, even though I did feel nervous, it wasn’t so much the thought that he would be dangerous, but whether he would think I’m weird for approaching them. I ALWAYS feel weird when approaching people, or trying to care. But, I want to care because most of the time, I do.

I don’t really know what to make of that experience, and I don’t even know why it was so significant for me. Maybe it is because I find it hard sometimes to go back to being cynical or unaffected. It feels a lot like lying. Or maybe it is because it makes me think of fifth grade: a time when I felt like everyone knew something I didn’t. I was in fifth grade again. Right now, as I type this, I feel like a little alien again who doesn’t know how to think, be, or act. I don’t know.

I just really needed to vent this story. What are your thoughts?