Let's be Honest

i need to be more honest when it comes to this "dying of yourself" idea, the idea of wrapping up oneself around such a divine Love as Jesus's and those who pursued the same existence. As much as i say that i want it, it's not easy. In fact, it's terribly exhausting to constantly give up your fears and desires. When i find myself surrendering to love consistently and actively, sometimes when i realize what i am doing, i just want to stop and be lazy and selfish and bad to myself and others. i want to lie in my bed and have my doors and heart locked up and lament over my life. All the while, i know what i find myself pitying myself for isn't really who i want to be.

It's not easy. Love is tragic in this sense. If you are aware of what you are losing; time, energy, control, the world becomes a draining place. The more i talk to my wiser friends, the more i realize that i am afraid of losing control when really i should realize control wasn't mine at all. i laid in bed last night so still that i heard my heart beating, and i felt that, and i knew, that besides perhaps sneezing or breathing oddly, i don't have much control over my own heartbeat, my life.

When i begin to pity myself, i wonder if i have anything at all except for this thing that i and others dispersed throughout the earth insist on, this burden called "Love". i don't really know sometimes. i feel like a little hopeful child with the idea of love and beauty on my mind day and night and it can be daunting when faced by the more "realistic" minds and souls i encounter. But i see that those who love with such an intensity tend to forget their own troubles. i see that those who love with such an intensity find wholeness in their lives. Love is the most "realistic" possibility to them. They know what they were made for.They look human. And bright. They found what they need, they found the love of G-d, and i find that i want what they have. i think that is what i want too, to be human, to have love and grace and mercy, all those things. And so then, i don't pity myself anymore, despite the fact that i may not have an identity in anything else, and then i am happy.

Yours,

rachel virginia