A renewal that is embodied, as opposed to just intellectual.

Hey look it's a sad stock photo. :(

Despite how many of my thoughts are being renewed, thoughts that once had me living in shame are
still affecting my life and how I engage with others and with myself. 

My counselor suggested the idea that we operate on three minds: the body mind, the emotional mind, and the logical mind. As she went on to explain her thoughts and how they might relate to my life and the struggles that I face with social-emotional anxiety and panic, I came to see that it made some sense that each of us operate out of different minds (or memories), not just intellectual memory.

So now when I think of Romans 12:2 -- that is: "Do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what G-d's good perfect and pleasing will is" -- I think not only about what my brain is used to believing, but also about what my emotional self and my body is used to believing. I think about how my current emotional and physical being may or may not relate or be able to comprehend the reality of G-d's kingdom simply because she hasn't had a taste of it.

I think back to the panic attacks that I've had over the past few years of my life. I think about how, even with these panic attacks that I've had, I believed a lot of things intellectually, but experimentally -- heck no, I didn't! Intellectually, I believe that there is "freedom from shame", but emotionally, I don't most of the time. Emotionally, I'm an infant.

Dude, but how can that be? What does that look like to believe something intellectually but not dare I used the word holistically? Entirely? 

Believing in something intellectually but not emotionally-bodily (experiential) is like this: it's like hearing the truth, but never having evidence of it. It's like someone saying that you are worthy of love and relationship, but never having anyone show you that love in a way that you can experience. 

So while I can make you believe that I am mature intellectually, while I can impress you with all the knowledge that I have acquired through reading and reading and reading all these books by celebrated theologians and grace pastors... I'd be lying to myself if I told you that everything I believed intellectually, I believed enough to not run away from. Our actions can sometimes reveal more deeply what we believe or have been believing than what we profess intellectually. 

And so, I think for me, healing looks like seeking out places where I can grow and practice my muscle of trusting what G-d says is true of me: that I am worthy of relationship, that there is freedom from shame. Living with my housemates during Mission Year was one of places I got the chance to wrestle with my shame. I'm also thankful for the many others who have provided with empathy, compassion and truth-telling the space to challenge the lies that I believed emotionally, bodily - and yes -- intellectually. Having positive experiences outside the realm of the intellectual mind has confirmed and reinforced my brain belief, not taken away from it.

I think the church would be blessed by seeing itself as a safe place for people to seek healing from their wounds, and not just what wounded them intellectually. After all, Jesus doesn't command us to love each other for snakes and giggles, but rather, it's to give evidence of G-d and His Kingdom living already in each of us, and to testify to what will be coming. We do that by renewing and challenging our minds entirely -- intellectually, emotionally and bodily.

/////

What do you think? Share with me your thoughts!

It is hard not to worry about your life, but what would happen if we didn't let it control our lives?

I worry about my life. I worry about my life a lot more than I want to.

I think I worry about a lot of things, because there is a lot of things that I desire.
I desire to be in a place where I can do what I believe in while being fully myself.
I desire to not be alone and to have rich relationships filled with beauty, life, meaning and the goodness of G-d.
I long to be close to the people I love and for my love to be requited.
I desire real, messy, but loving community.
I long for the world, for Creation and for humanity to be whole.

But, I worry about my life.
I have a hard time not worrying sometimes. I see Christ's insistence that we shouldn't worry, and I think to myself maybe if I didn't long for these things, I wouldn't worry.
So I shut myself off and tell myself "no, I refuse to care about this person" or "no, I refuse to care about this dream."
Sometimes, I go to the other extreme and I tell myself that I should pursue things that aren't as beautiful to me; I'll make easy and cheap decisions that do not reveal my true self or the deepest joy I have. I will just survive and not think at all about thriving.

But then, I'm reminded that there is no fear in love (and love always trusts!).
I'm reminded that real beauty is wild and free and that the most beautiful of loves is the same.
I look at G-d's love and I see the beauty of his free choice, his choice to embody himself as a fellow human, our brother Jesus, and live with us to share in our suffering and bring glory to our human experience.
A free choice, beyond our control, not able to be tamed.
We couldn't make Him love us.
His love is free.
And there is no fear in love.

I think about control and how I have a tendency to want to control. I think about how I want to possess things, I want to control things when I"m afraid. When I'm afraid that someone isn't going to love me back, I try to control the situation. I might try to do that by pretending to be someone I think they would love, or I decide to hide the things I believe they would hate. When I'm afraid that I might not be able to have a good life doing what I love, I begin to settle for comfort, to something predictable, a life I think I can control.

But when we control things, I think we squander they're beauty. We destroy it's gift. We destroy it's authenticity and it's freeness. We fail to trust. We destroy the ability to be surprised and filled with wonder and gratitude.

There's so many costs to worrying, to trying to control our lives. It doesn't add an hour to our lives. It will shock us when we discovered we wasted so much energy saying "yes" to the illusion of being able to control our lives.

There are many costs to trusting, too. But I think that the joy of trusting G-d with our lives and our longings outweighs the pain that learning to trust may cause. In trusting, we may risk getting hurt, but in trusting, we have the opportunity to experience the beauty of freedom in our own lives and in the lives of others. Freedom can't be found where control is happening.

I want to stop worrying about my life. I don't think I can stop worrying about my life if I continue to look at everything that could go wrong. I don't think it would help to examine everything that is "wrong" with me. I cannot stop worrying if I continue to look into the face of fear. There are many things that could go the way that we wouldn't want it to. But Jesus promises that we will be fed regardless. He promises that we will be taken care of regardless of how much we worry. So why worry?

I wonder what our lives would look like if we worried less? Maybe we would find ourselves present with those in front of us and people would be present with us. Maybe we would. Maybe things will not be just as we imagined or expected, maybe they will turn out better.

In this season of my life, I am sad because I am away from the city and people that remind me of the joy I have. I want so badly to return to Philadelphia, and I am prone to worry and anxiety to whether I will be able to experience that warmth and goodness again. I want to trust that G-d is going to take care of me, and is already doing so. I want to trust even more that when I am sad, that he cares and that the deepest longings I have are not dismissed by him, but are embraced.

Peace be with you,
Rachel

Matthew 6:25-34